Today, we take a comical look at some of the happenings in the startup industry through a fictitious letter which may all be too true.
Thank you for your recent financing in our startup. I am looking forward to building a long-term mutually beneficial partnership. I thought it would be prudent to write to you today to outline some of the things that we are now working on as well as manage your expectations moving forward.
In continuing the momentum, I have also secured office space in the best part of the city at a very reasonable $120/sq foot on an extremely long-term lease. I recognize that building this startup into a unicorn is a marathon and not a race. I feel that this decision will strongly add to our company’s culture and serve as recruiting tool for future employees because of the proximity to local watering holes that serve overpriced drinks.
While speaking of culture, we’ve secured 200 hover boards for all our present and future employees. We are hoping that there are no issues with legality or a raid similar to the one in CES. Time will tell on this as we face a bit of uncertainty but we have consulted with our lawyers who charge a startup friendly rate of $850/hr. Lastly, on the culture front we have hired a Chief Happiness Officer and an outside consultant to audit the work of this new position to serve as a check and balance.
To be quite honest, I am not really sure what’s happening with product development. I’m out every night of the week networking. Don’t worry I’m usually going to events with free booze and free food.
At this point, you may be questioning my mental health. I have that covered also. I’ve signed up for a number of week-long communal events that attract other founders with exorbitant ticket prices and you’ll be footing the bill.
In terms of profitability, I’ve decided to skip thoughts around that for now and not even focus on ramen profitability. I think you’d agree, that it’s better to lose a lot of money than make a little profit as we chase growth. Rest assured though, I do eat ramen often but it’s usually at a fancy place for $25 a plate to keep up appearances.
Lastly, if all else fails I’m confident that collectively we can devise some metrics that are not readily understood or widely used to demonstrate continual growth as my decisions outlined above will likely cause the company to run out of cash. This “demonstrable growth” can then be the foundation of securing further financing at a higher valuation.
If that doesn’t work out we can always pursue a “down” road. But nomenclature aside, can we really call it a down round given the company was not worth anything close to its last valuation?
Your least favorite portfolio company
Image credit: CC by Matteo Paciotti